Sometimes It’s the Little Things that Can Be the Hardest….Paula

It’s a question most of us have been asked a thousand times and have probably asked it ourselves when meeting someone new… “Do you have kids?  How many do you have?”  It should be an easy question to answer, but at least for me I always have to think about it for a second.  I think to myself do I give the easy answer? “Two boys!” or do I give the simple honest answer “Four” and hope they don’t ask more details or do I give the detailed honest answer “Four, I have two boys, ages 12 and 5, and a son and a daughter that passed away” and then have to deal with the questions or sympathy.  Most days it’s not a problem but sometimes I’m just plain too tired to deal with giving the detailed honest answer.  When I avoid that answer though I always feel a little guilty like maybe David and Angela, our two Angel Babies, will feel like I don’t love them as much as our other two.  It should be a simple question but for me it’s not.

The Unseen…Gina

Every now and then, this post pops into my mind. I wrote, this in response to the negativity, the Duggars were receiving over a leaked picture of their daughter Jubliee, who was born sleeping. I never posted, this “note” to my FB profile. I was too scared, hurt, and my feelings at the time were so raw. I was going to fix my typos, but I am leaving it in it’s original form. For me, it brings back all the thoughts, emotions and all else that can’t be put into words.  And because, I thought no one would ever read it, I wrote much more forcibly then would be typical to my nature.

June 3rd, 2012

There has been a lot of chatter about the Duggar family. As I have read and listened, my mind has been drawn to the challenges woman have had in the reproductive department, as well as my own. Alot, of the negativity publicity, surrounding the Duggar family comes from lack of understanding, knowledge, pride and bitterness. By sharing these ponderings, I hope someone feels less alone and eyes are opened to the unseen.

Isn’t it strange how the series of events can pull you to do or write something, you have thought about many times. I was looking at my drafts. The dates are April 17, 25 and May 5 on facebook. On blogger I have many more. All on the same subject, pulling and tugging at my thoughts. In the end, I read the various, typed phrases,cry, exhale and decide to finish when my thoughts are more gathered. Life is not easy for anyone. I was remined of this as my boys were watching BraveStarr (1987 show, with a review of the lesson at the end). This particular episodes lesson was that you can not judge another until you have walked in someone else’s mocassins.  Isn’t it interesting how we choose to divey-up kindness, charity, forgiveness, understanding and compassion. Have you noticed, if there is a cause, a sense of purpose. the majority of us rally and move forward with such an intense force that physical mountains could literally be moved, not to mention the ones inside us to boyd up the person or persons in need. Yet, if someone, in a direct or indirect manner rubs us wrong, intentionaly, unintentionaly or a making of our own pride, we see the need to make sure there is no miscarriage of justice by begining a crusade of prosecution and execution. We accomplish this with wagging tongues, to whom we will feel most justified. Therefore justice has been served? The hurt we cause is mostly to ourselves. We can only fool ourselves for so long that our actions were viritious. The effects of the these actions will last far longer and heavier for the “avenger”, than the people we have pained, in a time when what they have needed most is compassion and support. They will carry on, and the haters will still be hating.

Not many know, but a year ago we had a first tirmester miscarriage. Last April we had a second trimester miscarriage. I have four healthy children. The reactions by well meaning people, who were also battling their own thoughts when speaking with me ranged along these lines:

1. Well, you know you can have healthy babies. You will be okay

2. Good thing it was early, before you grew attached

3. Hahaha…God’s way of telling you have too many kids or your done! Horray!

4. Women who can have children don’t have miscarriages

5. Are you making this up? So people will feel sorry

6. Well, now you know how the other half feels…good experience…everyone should have to go through it

7. Your body is just wore out…Give it a rest… exercise more, eat healthy, etc.

8. Take time for yourself and get things figured out

And many more…

They all hurt. I understood that with each of these comments, these women were thinking of their own experiences, and women they love who have not had it “easy” in the baby making department.  It still hurt.

This was the best…the stare and then “oh, I’m sorry.” It was natural, real and honest. “How are you? Are you okay?” Even if they don’t open up or melt down, it touches the heart knowing you thought to ask. It’s the thought that counts! Don’t find a “reason” or something to blame. Many times they do not know the reason for miscarriag and sometimes if they do, it doesn’t matter…The best things are phone calls, ask questions and listen. Drop off treats, notes or floweres. Acknowledge the white elephant in the room. Otherwise, it can feel like the baby wasn’t real, therefore, their feelings are not real. They’ve lost it. Or it can feel that no one will remember the baby, it was only a “miscarriage” or “stillborn”, it wasn’t “like” it was a real child. If there are older children or grandparents and HUSBAND, they are hurting too. I know these things may not make sense, but through my own experinces and listening to others, this is what I have gathered.

The first trimester miscarriage, was a shock. Was I really pregnant?  Yep, positive test, and the weeks of nausea were real. What did I do? Am I being punished for something? No, my loving Heavenly Father doesn’t work like this. Well, what? The second trimester miscarriage, no heartbeat. I felt awful. I had a hard time attaching the whole pregnancy. The pain was just as intense as the first miscarriage. They felt they same! The pain was the same. The love was the same. It didn’t make sense and yet it did.  The love I had for my babies I didn’t get to hold, is the same as the love for the children I hold everyday. Does this sound ridiculous? Yes. Can I explain it? No. But it is the truth. It is how I felt, and it is how I feel now.  I miss them, and though I never got to hold them, I carry them in my heart.

I do not know the Duggar family, nor have I watched their show. Even having gone through my own experinces, I can not say that I know what they are going through. As you read, talk and ponder Jubilee, her memorial and how you feel about photos being taken, just remember they are doing what they can to cope and to heal. For those of you coping with a lose of a pregnancy…miscarriage or stillborn, I found this book to be comforting, Gone Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. Knowledge, revelation and science all come together for the healing process of all members of the family feeling the loss.