As Reality Sets In…. Tiffani Part 2

Thursday, May 31, 2012
Please, as you read these blog posts, do not think that I think I’m the only one who has ever suffered.  I know I’m not alone.  But its the first time I’ve suffered like this, so its new to me. I invite you to read and share this with me, but please don’t misunderstand my very personal feelings.
Yesterday was strange.  Today was weird.    We’ll start with yesterday.  I cried twice.  For about 10 seconds each time.  I wanted to cry more.  I sat down and just relaxed because I felt like I needed to cry.  Crying isn’t usually hard for me.  Like, ever.  Usually its my first reaction to everything… almost.  I cry easily.  Yesterday I couldn’t.  All I could figure was that this is what people are talking about when they say they feel numb.  My sweet friend Liz brought me flowers and took me to lunch.  I enjoyed that time with her.  She’s a heaven sent friend for sure.  Always has been.  By then end of the day I had accomplished what I had intended to do for the day… although I’m not sure if I could tell you what it was that I did.  But I went to bed exhausted, still wanting but not being able to cry.  Strange.  So today… Weird.  I took the kids to swimming lessons and my friend that we go with noticed immediately that I was quieter today.  Yep.  Me, quiet.  Hold your applause.  I had already cried more by 10am today that I did all day yesterday.  But swimming lessons are fun.  We get in the water with our little girls and splash and blow bubbles and giggle.  I’m so glad I’ve have that to look forward to this week.  I didn’t want to go very badly this morning, but I’m glad I did.  It helps to at least get me smiling for a little while.  Another friend took my kids for the afternoon and it was nice to have some quiet time today.  It was needed.  My afternoon was a little emotional.  One minute I think I’m coping and processing thru all of these emotions  and feelings, but the next minute I’m in fetal position sobbing.  Usually when I cry, I can put words with it.  I can describe how I’m feeling.  It takes some time for me to gather my thoughts, but I have them.  Today I’ve just been sad.  I mean, of course, no one would really wonder why, but I can’t describe it either.  I can’t put words to the pain.  I can’t explain to myself what I’m feeling.  I wanted this baby.  I was looking forward to figuring out how we would fit this kid into our house.  We have room.  That’s not the issue.  I just have a lot of crap.  My kids have a lot of crap.  Jeremy… well, Jeremy has the garage.  And we wouldn’t put a baby there, so I guess he’s off the hook.  This time.  I was so excited for Tuesday, when we would know if it was a boy or girl and we could get rid of all the “other” clothes stored in bins all over the house.  I may even be creeping into Jeremy’s precious garage space with the clothes bins.  Its possible.  But he’s a good sport.  So in my efforts to start making room for this baby I had begun nesting earlier than I ever thought possible.  I talked to my friend, Megan, about that.  We talked about how, really, it makes sense to be nesting early on.  My body was reorganizing.  It was trying to find new places for my other organs while making room for a growing baby.  My brain wanted to do the same.  Move, organize, make room.  I pulled some stuff out of the closet that I’ve never used and sold a few things a little bit ago.  I used that freed-up space to put boxes of toys that my kids haven’t used in a while but that I don’t want to part with yet cause I will have another one that will.  I didn’t really get a LOT done, but it felt good to be doing something.  I was so excited to be doing something to get ready for my baby. I’m doing different things to get ready for the baby now.  I’m making arrangements to have a photographer come to the hospital since that’s the only time we’ll ever have with our baby in this mortal life.  I’m worrying about how I will respond and feel when I see that little body.  Will it be formed correctly?  There are so many questions.  Most of them I’m not ready to write down here.  I am not worried about the delivery.  I’m worried about what will happen next.  And I’m scared to death to leave that hospital.  To leave them to “dispose” of my child’s body’s remains.  But then I realize it is just the body.  I will see my baby again.  I’m not abandoning him or her.  Because really, he or she is in the best hands possible.  With God.  Doing things that He needs.  And preparing to strengthen and assist our little family from the other side.  I can do this.  And that’s the only reason why.  Because of my faith in eternity.  I’m grateful for the faith I’ve been blessed with. I want so badly to know what our baby’s gender is so I can stop referring to it as IT.  I want to call it HER.  I really think its a girl.  As much as I believed something was wrong before we went to the doctor on Tuesday, I believe its a girl.  But I’ve been wrong every time I’ve said those words out loud.  “I feel like its a girl” always gets me a boy.  So we’ll see. Today I realized that I’m not really in “organizing” mode anymore.  I’m in purge mode.  Interestingly, and I realize its a little morbid, all I want to do is throw things away.  Get rid of things that I don’t need.  My brain is, again, trying to make sense of what my body is doing.  I need this baby out.  I need to move forward.  I will grieve and I will cry but I can’t take one more step towards healing until my body is in a state of balance.  Its amazing how a mind, body and soul can be in such harmony that things like this manifest so uniformly.  Its been good for my house though.  I got rid of stuff that I’ve kept for no reason for way too long.  I’m far from an episode of Hoarders but I’m a bit of a pack rat.  Especially things with ANY sentimental value.  Like, if my mom buys my kids a happy meal at McDonalds.  Yeah, I think twice before tossing those toys once they’ve seen their day.  I could afford to be a little less sappy.  Really.  I think there is a lot more that I had wanted to write tonight but I’ve lost my ability to think.  Its possible that I’m a little tired.  And that I just want to curl up and hug my husband.  Oh, my sweet husband.  I’ve never felt so loved .  I have seen him as he watches me suffer and I know how deeply he loves me because I can see it in his eyes.  I can see it so clearly.  I’m so eternally grateful to have him to hold thru this and all of our joys and pains.  I’ve never been so blessed by being able express myself in writing.  Its been helpful to get these things down on “paper”.  Thank you all for your kind, loving words and prayers.  I feel and appreciate them.

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