Happy Birthday David!!…..Paula’s David

Paula's David

Paula’s David

Happy birthday to our sweet baby David! We hope you have a big celebration in Heaven! You are always in our thoughts and hearts! We love you!
“Families are Forever!”
“Family… a journey to forever”
“A mother’s love cannot be measured by increments of time… An entire lifetime of love can be squeezed into a few brief miraculous moments when necessary”


The Sweetest Thing…. Gina

Willow Tree's CherishA couple of weeks ago, the kids and I were walking, out of Target. They were excited, for our impending trip. While, there were moments, I caught their enthusiasm. I was a bit terrified! It has been years, since I’ve flown, and with children. Back then, we had 2 and I was expecting our 3rd. With 5 kids, it just isn’t economical, to fly. 🙂 Given, this fact, I was a wee nervous, to fly with, all the kids.  So, what do you do, when you find yourself, in a jam? You go to Target! So, off we went, in search of things to keep those busy little fingers, more busy! We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and took our time. After checkout and potty breaks, we headed towards, the parking lot. Jarom begged us to skip to the car.  While we were skipping, (not my best idea, 7 months pregnant), I noticed, that there was a young Asian couple. They kept turning and looking at us. They seemed nice, mostly likely 2nd or 3rd generation ( I had the pleasure of speaking with the husband, in just a few minutes to confirm my assumption), and dressed conservatively sporty. I was feeling a little self-conscious, fully aware, that I was making a spectacle of myself. But we were having so much fun, I didn’t want to let my vanity ruin the moment. So, we eventually, reached the beast ( thanks to Scooby-Doo, my Excursion has a new name, almost daily), and loaded the kids up. While they buckled, I went to put the cart away, which was of course, next to the young couples car. As I turned to walk away, and the husband closed the passenger door for his wife, and he asked the typical question,” Are those all your children? You have 6 children?” To my affirmative nod and smile, he smiled, and told me, how blessed I was. He expressed his hope, that he too, could be as blessed as I one day. I looked over to his wife and she gave a shy smile, and timid wave. He said she was nervous, to have children and wasnt sure she could do 6! I laughed and gushed, that I had been blessed, with wonderful children and joked that the trick was giving them chores, when they are young.  He chuckled and promised to remember, my advice. And we parted ways.

While we stood there, small talking, I replayed his words in my mind, over and over. He said 6 children. 6. Not 5, but 6. Tears burned my eyes. I came home, and couldn’t wait to tell Jason! To which, he reminded me, that in the Asian cultures, when a child is born, they are considered to be 1 year. My heart lept! I don’t like to compare myself to the Grinch, even though there are probably days, my kids would love too! 😉 But I felt my heart swell and it grew 3 sizes! LOL!              I don’t believe in signs, or such, but I don’t believe, it was a coincidence, that I had the prievelage to speak, to this sweet couple. I know Heavenly Father is very aware of our needs and desires. I know that He is a loving Father, and that this somehow filled a need, I didn’t even recognize. I couldn’t wait to share this with you! My first thought was, “My mommy’s need to hear this!” Please know that you ladies, though I don’t know you all, by name, you are in my constant thoughts and prayers. I truly hope that, in some way, you know that you are not alone, and we addressing, your needs as well.

Dallin Part 2…Gina

Breathing. . . coping . . . eating and drinking . . .  to allow healing . . . getting dressed . . . To function in the everyday world, comes at a sacrifice, after loss. And sometimes, it is a gift given by someone else, who has lost more. Camille was that gift for me. And her part, begins of course, at the beginning. Often times, we find that within our own stories, we find our loved ones deeply woven, within, with grace, charity and friendship.

Nov.5th ( in the wee hours of the morning)

I can’t sleep. I should be able too. My body is certainly tired enough, but it just isn’t happening. My mind can’t get over the irony, of the evening.  Jason took the boys, to his parents to play, to give me time alone.  Part, of me, wanted him and the boys stay home. The other part, wanted the whole world, to forget, I existed. I was curled-up, on the couch, breathing through the waves of pain, that came and went, when my phone rang. Of course, I had left it, in the kitchen, and had to get up to get retrieve it. I was going to ignore it, but if my in-laws or Jason were checking on me, I didn’t want to worry them. They have had so much to worry, about lately. I just made it, to the third ring. It was my sister-in-law. It is hard to keep secrets living so close, but I was going to try! But to no avail. As, I sat down, at the table, she excitedly began, “So, I called Tom and Janet’s. The kids were there. Janet said she was watching them, because you had a drs. appt. Any news?” I could hear her smile, as she anxiously waited for me to confirm her suspicions, that we were pregnant. while trying to think of ways to around the inevitable,  I  found myself saying, “We miscarried.”  Silence. . . Utter silence. , , Then, she tried to make it better, “Well, you know you can have more. It’ll be fine.” I think, I said yep. And that was it. My son’s life, summed up in a yep. I felt like a traitor. As I sat there, trying to hold down my nausea, “it” rang again. It was my neighbor. I love talking, with her. Doesn’t matter, what kinda, of day it is, it is always a good day to chat with her. Hoping for her light heartedness, to give me a lift, I answered. “Hey Gina! How ya doin?” We chatted for a minute, I didn’t tell her, (I felt like a traitor again), , then she got down to the purposes of her call. “Have you made your quilting square for Camille’s Chemo quilt? If not that’s okay. We are running a little behind. Get it to me by late tonight or before drop off at school in the morning. Will that work for you?”

This is where Camille’s story and mine, inter-twine. Camille has generously, agreed to letting me share a little about her life at this time.  I feel it is important to share, this bit of her heartache, so you can feel,  why in my next post, her gift to me was so profound. She is a true example, of Christ like love, grace and charity. I hope to learn to give freely, as she has to me.  Camille, had been trying to conceive for about 2 years. She tried everything.  If there was a diet, sleep, exercise routine, she tried it. “I don’t care how wacky, it sounds! If there is a chance, I can have a family, I’m gonna try it.” She was so cute, to listen too! Her excitement was contagious! She wanted, the family she had been dreaming about, waiting for and could feel just out of reach.  It feels like it has been ages, but our little neighborhood was very close. We had about 10-12 families living, on the same street, and a couple a few streets over. Potlucks, kids riding bikes, and ladies night outs, were frequent activities. During these times, we would catch up, on the latest, with each family!  Of course, we were all anxiously awaiting to hear Camille say, those sweet words, at every get together!  After testing and ultrasounds, it was discovered, that a large mass was in her uterus. She asked repeatedly, if they thought it was cancerous. She felt like it was a strong possibility. She was reassured no. Camille was admitted, to the hospital, to have the mass removed and then fertility treatment could be decided, from there. During surgery, the surgeons were shocked to find, that the mass covered her uterus and wrapped around her ovaries, and it was indeed cancerous.  Suffice to say, she had to have a full hysterectomy. She woke up, expecting to be able to begin her family, but was “robbed” instead.

“Have you made your quitling square for Camille’s Chemo quilt? If not that’s okay. We are running a little behind. You can get it to me by late tonight or before drop off at school in the morning. Will that work for you?”

Holding my breath, through another, contraction, ” Oh, that should be fine! I can probably get it to you very late tonight.”

“Great! I always know, you will pull through, Gina! Thank you!”

Camille had not come home from the hospital yet and the goal was to have it done, before she did!  I had no idea, what to make for my square. I had never made a quilt like this and felt lost.  I had 2 choices, wallow in self pity or give love and hope to a friend. So, I proceeded to make the homeliest quilting square, I have ever seen. Camille will still profess, that it is a perfect representation, of our little family. I try not to be offended by that. 😉

Homeliest quilting square

****The next eight weeks, brought continued nausea, vomiting and the news, we were expecting again. I would like to say, I was overjoyed. But I wasn’t. My books, you know the ones, I like to stack, in my bathroom, when I am pregnant, didn’t come out. I didn’t even look at them. Everything was different. I couldn’t get that excitement to come back, that I was use too. I was mad, at myself.  This was our 5th miscarriage. I knew the “routine”. What was wrong with me?! All I could feel was tears…fear no, sad no, maybe disillusioned. But really, if I had to define it, it would be tears. I had, not just a somberness, but a soberness that I couldn’t shake, nor define. It was just there.


Rembering Our Angel…Halee

Here is a picture of a bear Andrew gave me after our miscarriage. I’ve collected bears my whole life so he gets me one almost every year for Christmas. One day in November after the loss, he brought this little guy home for me. He lives on my nightstands and reminds me both of our little angel and how Andrew was my rock during that time. For some reason, my kids know he’s off limits to play with, even though they take everything else off my nightstand.

Promises Fulfilled……Joseph and Emma, but mostly Emma :)

Joseph and Emma, but mostly Emma 🙂


“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” History of the Church, 4:553

The following was written by Gracia N. Jones, Emma’s Smith’s great, great grand-daughter. You can also find the full article written, about Emma here. The following excerpts, I found touching, and give comfort and hope.

Emma is a wonderful example of a  Women of Hope.

“Although Emma’s life was filled with much persecution and sorrow, even bitterness on occasion, it appears that Emma endured her tribulations with great forbearance and maintained her faith in God. Writing to her son in 1869, she said, “I have seen many, yes very many, trying scenes in my life which I could not see … where any good could come of them.” She added this testimony: “But yet I feel a divine trust in God, that all things shall work for good.” 16 ” An Accounting, of their children. “During their seventeen-year marriage, nine children were born to Joseph and Emma, and they adopted two. Emma’s first three children died shortly after birth: Alvin in 1828 and twins in 1831. They adopted twins, Joseph and Julia Murdock (born on May 1), whose mother, Julia, had died the day after the birth of Emma’s twins, leaving a bereaved husband unable to care for the infants. Little Joseph Murdock died in March 1832 as a result of exposure during an incident of mob violence. The following November, Emma gave birth to a healthy son, Joseph Smith III. Although Emma enjoyed little Julia and Joseph, she grieved over her lost babies. The Lord comforted Emma in her patriarchal blessing: “Thou hast seen much sorrow because the Lord has taken from thee three of thy children. In this thou art not to be blamed, for he knows thy pure desires to raise up a family, that the name of my son [Joseph Smith, Jr.] might be blessed. And now, behold, I say unto thee, that thus says the Lord, if thou wilt believe, thou shalt yet be blessed … and thou shalt bring forth other children, to the joy and satisfaction of thy soul, and to the rejoicing of thy friends.” 4 Emma’s faith was rewarded: Frederick was born in 1836, and Alexander (my forebear) in 1838. Don Carlos was born in 1840, but he died fourteen months later. An unnamed son was stillborn on 6 February 1842; and David Hyrum was born in 1844, four months after the death of his father. Emma’s faith was rewarded: Frederick was born in 1836, and Alexander (my forebear) in 1838. Don Carlos was born in 1840, but he died fourteen months later. An unnamed son was stillborn on 6 February 1842; and David Hyrum was born in 1844, four months after the death of his father.”

The Bond of Emma and Joseph

The Prophet wrote in his journal, reflecting on a visit from Emma while he was in great danger and difficulty in 1842: “With what unspeakable delight, and what transports of joy swelled my bosom, when I took by the hand, on that night, my beloved Emma—she that was my wife, even the wife of my youth, and the choice of my heart. Many were the reverberations of my mind when I contemplated for a moment the many scenes we had been called to pass through, the fatigues and the toils, the sorrows and sufferings, and the joys and consolations, from time to time, which had strewed our paths and crowned our board. Oh what a commingling of thought filled my mind for the moment, again she is here, even in the seventh trouble—undaunted, firm, and unwavering—unchangeable, affectionate Emma!” 11 From Quincy, Illinois, in March 1839,

Emma expressed her loyalty to Joseph in these words: “I shall not attempt to write my feelings altogether, for the situation in which you are, the walls, bars and bolts, rolling rivers, running streams, rising hills, sinking valleys and spreading prairies that separate us, and the cruel injustice that first cast you into prison and still holds you there. … Was it not for conscious innocence and the direct interposition of divine mercy, I am very sure I never should have been able to have endured the scenes of suffering that I have passed through … but I still live and am yet willing to suffer more if it is the will of kind heaven, that I should for your sake … and if God does not record our sufferings and avenge our wrongs on them that are guilty, I shall be sadly mistaken. … You may be astonished at my bad writing and incoherent manner, but you will pardon all when you reflect how hard it would be for you to write when your hands were stiffened with hard work and your heart convulsed with intense anxiety … but I hope there is better days to come to us yet. … I am ever yours affectionately. Emma Smith.” 8 That Emma maintained a lifelong commitment to Joseph as a prophet and to the authenticity of the Book of Mormon is well documented. The Relief Society minutes for March 1844 show her reasoning: “If he [Joseph Smith] was a prophet, which he is, … ,” Emma said. Long years later, Emma said to Parley P. Pratt, who visited her in Nauvoo, “I believe he [Joseph] was everything he professed to be.” 17 PROMISES FULFILLED! Emma lived almost thirty-five years after the martyrdom of her Prophet-husband.

Promises Fulfilled

She died 30 April 1879 in her seventy-fifth year. In her last years she was greatly loved, and in the last hours of her life she was attended by her family: Louis Bidamon, Julia, Joseph III, 26 and Alexander. According to Alexander, Emma seemed to sink away, but then she raised up and stretched out her hand, calling, “Joseph! Joseph!” Falling back on Alexander’s arm, she clasped her hands on her bosom, and her spirit was gone. Both Alexander and Joseph thought she was calling for her son Joseph, but later, Alexander learned more about the incident. Sister Elizabeth Revel, Emma’s nurse, explained that a few days earlier Emma had told her that Joseph came to her in a vision and said, “Emma, come with me, it is time for you to come with me.” “As Emma related it, she said, ‘I put on my bonnet and my shawl and went with him; I did not think that it was anything unusual. I went with him into a mansion, and he showed me through the different apartments of that beautiful mansion.’ And one room was the nursery. In that nursery was a babe in the cradle. She said, ‘I knew my babe, my Don Carlos that was taken from me.’ She sprang forward, caught the child up in her arms, and wept with joy over the child. When Emma recovered herself sufficient she turned to Joseph and said, ‘Joseph, where are the rest of my children.’ He said to her, ‘Emma, be patient and you shall have all of your children.’ Then she saw standing by his side a personage of light, even the Lord Jesus Christ.” 27 Milestones in the Life of Emma Hale Smith 10 July 1804 Born at Harmony, Pennsylvania.

18 Jan 1827 Marries Joseph Smith, Jr., at South Bainbridge, New York.

15 Jun 1828 Son Alvin is born and dies; buried at Harmony.

28 Jun 1830 Emma baptized at Colesville, New York.

Aug 1830 Emma confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jan 1831 Emma’s last farewell to her parents.

2 Feb 1831 Arrival at Kirtland, Ohio.

30 Apr 1831 Twins are born and die at Morley Settlement.

May 1831 Joseph and Emma adopt Julia and Joseph Murdock, twin infants of Joseph and Julia Murdock, after their mother dies from complications relating to childbirth.

24 Mar 1832 Joseph Smith beaten by mob at Hiram, Ohio; baby Joseph exposed to cold during mobbing.

27 Mar 1832 Joseph Murdock Smith, age ten months, dies as result of exposure.

6 Nov 1832 Son Joseph Smith III born at Kirtland, Ohio. 9 Dec 1834 Emma receives her patriarchal blessing.

1835–1836 Hymnal compiled by Emma published. The hymnal compiled in 1835 The Lord asked Emma “to make a selection of sacred hymns.” (D&C 25:11.) The hymnal, compiled in 1835, was actually published in 1836. (Courtesy of LDS Archives.)

20 Jun 1836 Son Frederick Granger Williams Smith is born at Kirtland, Ohio. Jan 1838 Smith family flees Kirtland, Ohio; travels across Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois.

Feb 1838 Family crosses frozen Mississippi River into Iowa.

14 Mar 1838 Family arrives at Far West, Missouri.

2 Jun 1838 Son Alexander Hale Smith is born at Far West, Missouri.

Nov 1838 Church leaders are arrested. Joseph is imprisoned in Liberty Jail. Emma visits him three times:

8 December 1838;

20 December 1838; and 21 January 1839. 7 Feb 1839 Emma and family leave Far West, Missouri.

14 Feb 1839 Emma and children arrive at Quincy, Illinois.

22 Apr 1839 Joseph arrives at Quincy after nearly six months of unjust confinement in Missouri.

9 May 1839 Smiths move to Commerce (Nauvoo), Illinois.

13 Jun 1840 Son Don Carlos is born.

15 Aug 1840 Baptism for the dead is taught by Joseph Smith; Emma is baptized soon after in the Mississippi River in behalf of her mother and sister.

7 Aug 1841 Joseph’s brother, Don Carlos, dies.

15 Aug 1841 Son Don Carlos, age fourteen months, dies.

6 Feb 1842 Birth of unnamed stillborn son.

17 Mar 1842 Relief Society is organized; Emma chosen as president. Summer/Fall

1842 Joseph is in hiding. Emma and children are ill; Emma nearly dies. Joseph returns home to bless his family.

17 Aug 1842 Emma writes a letter to Governor Carlin defending Joseph.

18 Jan 1843 Grand celebration at Joseph and Emma’s home for their sixteenth wedding anniversary and his acquittal.

Spring 1843 Joseph becomes mayor of Nauvoo.

28 May 1843 Emma sealed to Joseph for eternity.

31 Aug 1843 Smiths move into the Mansion House.

By 28 Sep 1843 Emma receives her endowments. Fall 1843 Emma supervises women’s temple ordinances October 1843 through February 1844.

17 May 1844 Joseph accepts nomination to run for president of the United States.

22 Jun 1844 Joseph is ordered to Carthage, Illinois, for hearings; faced with the prospect of certain death, Joseph crosses to Iowa side of the Mississippi River.

23 Jun 1844 Joseph and Hyrum decide to go to Carthage, Illinois. 24 Jun 1844 Emma and Joseph see each other for the last time.

27 Jun 1844 Emma serves dinner to Governor Ford and sixty of his men in Nauvoo Mansion House about 5:00 p. m. Emma learns about 10:00 p. m. that Joseph and Hyrum have been shot and killed.

17 Nov 1844 Son David Hyrum Smith is born.

Feb 1846 Emma remains in Nauvoo when Saints go west.

12 Sep 1846 Emma leaves with her family as mobbers invade Nauvoo; she goes to Fulton, Illinois, then returns four months later. 23 Dec 1847 Emma marries “Major” Louis C. Bidamon.

1856 Emma takes in orphaned Elizabeth Agnes Kendall, eight years old, and rears her as her own daughter.

14 May 1856 Lucy Mack Smith dies, having spent the last three years of her life in Emma’s care.

22 Oct 1856 Joseph III marries Emmeline Griswold. 1857 Emma’s nephew Samuel H. B. Smith visits her.

13 Sep 1857 Son Frederick Granger Williams Smith marries Annie Marie Jones.

6 Apr 1860 Son Joseph III becomes president of RLDS.

23 Jun 1861 Son Alexander Hale Smith marries Elizabeth Agnes Kendall.

13 Apr 1862 Son Frederick Granger Williams Smith dies.

1866 Emma gives Joseph’s revision of Bible to Joseph III to print.

About 1870 Emma begins caring for Charles, six-year-old son of Louis Bidamon and Nancy Abercrombie.

10 May 1870 Son David Hyrum marries Clara C. Hartshorn.

1871 Emma and family move into rebuilt Nauvoo House, later renamed Riverside Mansion.

1875 Emma’s sons leave Nauvoo; Alexander moves to northern Missouri, and Joseph III moves to Iowa.

1877 Emma’s adopted daughter, Julia, suffering from cancer and deserted by her husband, comes to live with Emma.

17 Jan 1877 Emma’s son David Hyrum committed to Illinois State Asylum.

Feb 1879 Last testimony given by Emma in an interview with her sons. Emma testifies that Joseph Smith was a prophet, relates her experience with the Book of Mormon, testifies of her belief in the divine origin of the Book of Mormon.

Delivery Day…Lacie Part 4

September 16th:
Jeremy and I were not very smart and we had stayed up watching a movie the night before.  I really just wasn’t tired, even thought I knew we had to be up at 3am the next morning.  I think I fell asleep around 12:30am… so on a little sleep we left Washington at 4am to drive to Cedar City so we could be there at 5am and start the ECV.  We arrived right on time and our room was all ready and by the time I was changed and had my IV hooked up the anesthesiologist was there to start my epidural.  He asked me if I had trouble with my previous epidurals and when I said yes, he wanted to leave.   I’m sure doing something like that would be more daunting on someone who had had two previous bad experiences.  And this time proved to be no different.  🙂  After a few tries,  we thought he had it, but I soon started hyperventilating and then it seemed as if someone was squeezing my lungs.  I felt like I was was trying to breathe through mud.  It was a very scary feeling and tears started immediately. I just leaned on Jeremy and cried.  They nurse was yelling at me to breathe and  I wanted to yell back ‘What do you think I am trying to do!’ It was all very intense.  After taking it out, the anesthesiologist ran to the OR to grab a different kit, moved up a section on my back and  it went in like clock work.  Which is great, but we used up a lot of my numbing time and Dr. Newman and Dr. Gathrum were waiting and I was not completely numb when they started the procedure.  That and the unimaginable amount of pressure was enough to make me want to regret agreeing to the procedure in the first place.  WOW!  They quickly realized that instead of being in the transverse position she had been in on Friday, she had now moved up to being totally breech again (maybe I should not have gotten that massage a few days before 🙂 )   They tried 3 times and although they could get her body to move,  her head was not moving.  After the third time though, I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Dr. Newman told me I still had choices 🙂 albeit not very many 🙂  I could A: have a c-section now. B: wait and schedule one for later in the week. C: wait a week and see if she will turn on her own and if she doesn’t then schedule a c-section then (but he and Dr. Gathrum both didn’t think she was going to turn)… fabulous choices right?  Thinking about my recent epidural and the fact that Jeremy was already down and had time off, I chose option A.  As soon as I chose, it was like a dance started.  There were all these people twirling around doing things and prepping things…  “There is no dignity in childbirth” one of the nurses said as she was quickly “prepping” the area.  Man, that is true.  Jeremy was given clothes and told to change and wait for someone to come get him.  I was nervous leaving him I didn’t want to do any of this by myself.  But he smiled and kissed me and said he would be there soon.  He is good at hiding how much he is freaking out.  🙂
Now, I don’t know what I had in mind as far as how a c-section goes, but this next part was NOT it at all how I imagined. They push me into this bright white, busy looking room with a baby warmer and a big metal bed and it is freezing and they lift me onto the metal bed and I want to apologize for the chocolate cake I had the night before 🙂  My arms were layed out from my body, but were not strapped down like people had told me they would be (so thankful for that.)  When they threw up the big blue sheet, I guess I really didn’t think they would immediately start, but, they did and I had what is called a hot spot where the epidural wasn’t working and I could feel the cut.  I screamed out and the anesthesiologist started pushing drugs into my epidural and IV. Poor guy, I just kept screaming.  Finally he said to Jeremy, “this is the last thing we can try before we just knock her out.”  Now these kinds of drugs are weird.  As a person who has never done drugs before, I don’t know if it is like this all the time, but in my mind, I felt completely lucid.  But, completely out of control of what my body was doing or what I was saying.  Jeremy said at this point I sounded like a zombie.  Said it asked him out a bit.  That there were 3 times when I “moaned” while exhaling for 45 seconds.  He said when he asked if that was normal the anesthesiologist was like, “It’s just the drugs.” and then when I didn’t stop, he quietly would push more drugs into my IV.  I on the other hand remember things spinning and shapes and thinking that this is what the Ender’s Game movie would be like 🙂  I remember a baby crying and asking if that was Kate. I remember, vaguely, a baby next to my face and asking if Cooper had been born yet.  I remember my doctor reassuring me that both my babies were born.  Then I remember feeling it was almost violently that I was waking up.  There was so much pain and I was very aware of it.  I could only focus on that and I remember thinking that I should ask where my baby was and where Jeremy was, but the words never made it out.  Just “It hurts”.  Back in my room, Jeremy came in and I was given some morphine and the pain finally was bearable.  It was about an hour from the time Kate was born to when she was brought in.  I don’t think I can put into words properly what it was like to see her.  the only thing that comes to mind is love at first sight.  It really does happen 🙂  It was different with Jac and Reese. I watched as they entered this world and were placed on my chest and it was beautiful and I wanted that so bad with Kate. But when they placed her in my arms, it was pretty amazing too 🙂  She latched on perfectly and I don’t think I let her go for the next 10 hours 🙂 Things were just about perfect with her there.
I asked Jeremy if he had seen Cooper and he told me he had.  As much as I didn’t want to, I needed to know how that was.  Without going into to much detail he explained that there wasn’t much of his body left, 4 inches of calcified bone and a flat placenta.  That was hard to try and wrap my head around.  Here I was holding this perfect little 7lb 4 oz girl and the baby that I once felt, along with her in my belly was 4 inches of calcified bone.  We had been assured that after the birth the hospital would be able to take care of his remains for us.  That we could spend our time focusing on Kate.  But it was only a few hours before we were visited by the hospital social worker explaining to us that in March of this year a bill was passed that moved the still born age from 20 weeks gestation to 16 weeks gestation.  Meaning that Cooper wasn’t a miscarriage, he was a still birth.  Meaning, the hospital could not take care of his remains, we would need to have a mortuary come and handle his “body”.  We would need to pay to have him buried or cremated.  We would need to fill out a death certificate.  We could not just focus on this happy time of Kate’s birth.
PLEASE  don’t get me wrong.  recognizing my son as a still birth does not bother me.  Paying doesn’t not bother me, it was the shock of having to deal with it all.  When a singleton is miscarried at 17 weeks, the mother is then induced and the baby is born and the family grieves and deals with it then.  We, I, have been dealing with this for 20+ weeks dreading and looking forward to the day I would deliver.  To finally get to a place where I want to focus on Kate as much as I can and have this be the happy celebration it should be and then be told that I have to deal with the death of my son all over again.  That night they had to give me something to sleep.  I cried. A lot.  I wrote my Legislature to try and get my point of view looked at.  That maybe in the case of a multiple birth when there is not much left of the baby’s body, that the hospital be allowed to handle the baby’s remains.  After all, there really is no “body”.  And it breaks my heart that I couldn’t give my baby a kiss and lay him to rest tucked in a blanket and buried.  It completely breaks my heart.
We were released from the hospital on Thursday and made the drive back to Washington.  It has been good to be here at my parents.  I literally don’t know what I would have done without them.  C-sections are so different and I was not expecting this type of pain.  BUT  Kate is here and we love having her here. I feel Cooper with us and I know he will be with us someday.  Now it’s my job to be worthy to raise him 🙂

Seeking Comfort…. Christine Part 2

I’m not sure what month it was, but I wanted to go to the temple to maybe be closer to Brandon and get some spiritual help from Heavenly Father. I never once blamed him for what happened to Brandon, because I know everyone has to go through trials to see how we handle them. I must say I couldn’t see any trial worse than this one, so I needed some help. I think I did an endowment session, I don’t remember. Then in the celestial room, I picked up a Book of Mormon, and begged Heavenly Father to tell me something. Let me know Brandon is ok. I begged with my whole heart and soul. Amazingly, The Lord answered me. I randomly opened the book and looked down. It was in d&c. It told me to “get my house in order”. It was Heavenly Father telling me it was really him speaking to me. He knows me so well, and my house seemed always to be in chaos and not order. He knows each of us so well. Then I closed the book. I told Heavenly Father I knew it was him and to please help me. Then I opened the book again, and it was D&C chapter 50, verse 41.and 42. It says, “Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me. And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.” I was astonished and so grateful that he answered me. He told me that Brandon belonged to him and that he would never be lost! He is ok. That gave me some comfort and helped me heal. I’d like to think Brandon is helping me do the ancestral work on the other side. I am the only Mormon in my family, so I’ve done a lot of work. I’d like to think he is visiting my ancestors and telling them about Heavenly Father and Jesus. Brandon did visit me in my dreams twice. Once right after he died, I dreamt I was in my old house growing up and I went to my old room, and there he was, floating in the air with a beautiful baptismal dress on and he looked like he was about 3 months old. Then, the second time was about 6 months later and he was sitting on a floor with lots of books around him and he said, “mom, I am learning so much!” He looked to be about 8 years old. I hope this story helps someone, or gives hope to someone who is going through this or went through this. Our babies are innocent, and go directly to the celestial kingdom. I pray that I do the right things in this life, so I can be worthy to enter my Father’s house and see my beautiful boy standing there welcoming me into the kingdom. Meanwhile, I imagine my angel watching over his twin sister, and his baby brother Aiden and the rest of my frozen embryos. I love you Brandon with all my heart.:)

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